Be defined by human design, not by deficit

Human design showed me a different way to view my autism, to define by design rather than by deficit. Human design is a system that determines things like your energy type and how to go about making decisions based on when and where on the planet you were born. It has a foundation in astrology and integrates the I Ching, Kabbalah, and Vedic philosophy. I’m not here to tell you this is the end all be all answer to all your problems, but to share it as a tool because I found it helpful.

I was diagnosed with autism rather late at the age of 36. It was a big relief to have a framework that I could use to finally understand myself. I replayed my entire life up to that point using this new lens. It helped me to be compassionate towards myself in ways I hadn’t been able to do before. I found my diagnosis to be extremely helpful. It validated so many things I had experienced. For example, when I was in high school, I was arrested for simple battery to a police officer. I was being reprimanded for saying a four-letter word by an administrator (my bad) and next thing I knew I was in handcuffs. I didn’t even have a choice to think, she came out of nowhere, and I reacted. I kicked her repeatedly while thrashing trying to get free. It was a visceral reaction, something that even took me by surprise. I ended up being arrested, sent to alternative school, and put on probation. And I KNOW it could have been worse and is worse for many others every day. That’s just one example, there is a lifetime of events that made me feel shame and failure about myself all because I didn’t know how to view myself fairly. I understood I wasn’t like the others; I just didn’t get I wasn’t supposed to be. I knew I was different, but it sure felt like less. Being able to see myself as someone deserving of empathy and understanding helped me to do a lot of healing for my inner child. I was starting to disarm my inner ableist and finally felt free.

But as time passed, I thought more about having a diagnosis and what it meant. No matter how much we say different not less, diagnoses from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) are written with the literal language of deficit. For example, I would be described as having “persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts” and “deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction” and “deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships” using the DSM. If we’re truly different and not less, why isn’t it defined that way? Ableism of course and that’s a whole other topic worthy of discussion on its own, but the question was rhetorical. Still, even if you understand why things are the way they are and truly believe people are all different, none of them less, it can still take a toll on your self-worth. I needed another way with which to see myself. Enter human design.

For example, instead of having autism because I can check all these deficit boxes, I have emotional authority. So by design I experience an emotional cycle and should wait until the full cycle has been experienced before making important decisions. This means in the moment decisions when emotions are heightened is a no-no for me. That felt better. I don’t have deficits in processing social-emotional information, I have emotional authority. I also like how inclusive the language and framework of human design can be. We all have the same gates and energy centers, it is what is defined within us that varies and determines our unique design. Something being defined in human design merely means you have consistent access to that energy, but undefined doesn't mean no access. Undefined means you are open to others' energy in those areas and can amplify what you find. Nothing is good or bad, just variation. Everyone has access to everything, just in different ways.

Because I found human design so helpful in my own growth and healing, I took a few courses to learn more about it and can now pass that knowledge onto you. I offer human design readings where we meet virtually and discuss how to read your chart, what it means, and explore using it as a tool for insight into areas of need. I also offer personalized booklets (both physically and digitally) that include information on how to read your own chart, what everything represents, and what your chart says about how you are designed to exchange energy and make decisions. Check out my website for more information: AlignwithAJ.com

Mural painted in Charlotte, NC outside State of Confusion (artist unknown, tell me if you know!)