How To Dig Your Way Out Of The Dark Place
This one is for those who need to know they are not alone in the dark place
By design, I am an emotional projector. It takes time for me to ride the emotional wave and with a lot of openness in my chart, my environment can have a large impact on me. I am susceptible to emotional and sensory overstimulation. While this is no surprise to me, I am still learning things about myself as I continue my journey through life. Either experience can bring me to a point of needing decompression and time alone to reset. For me that may include yoga, meditation, writing, reflecting, and forest bathing (walking, hiking, just being in the woods). I have figured out what works for me. I have learned that the only way I can prevent overstimulation from ever happening is to live a life COMPLETELY alone. I’m not interested in that so I accept that I WILL become overstimulated and focus on how to reset once it happens. This mindset allows me to be compassionate with myself and give myself whatever it is I need to reset without judgment. This alone helps me to “make it back” more quickly. Every time I recharge, despite ebbs and flows in growth, I have become more efficient, so generally what used to take days now takes me hours. Progress! And I’ve created a cycle I can live with, be successful with, and with which I can experience joy. I’ll take it!
There is one perfect shitstorm of a scenario that happens very rarely now, but still happens. I thought because I had built in such me specific self-care practices that this would never happen again. Silly me! It happened again just this past weekend. This was the first time since I received my autism diagnosis, so it’s been about 7 years and I was found unprepared, a state in which I am not used to or comfortable being, which of course made it even worse. LOL. Usually experiencing overstimultion in one area puts me at risk for the other, but I know what things feel like in my body, and I can usually decompress before it worsens. There are rare occurrences when I am overstimulated both emotionally and from sensory stimuli. Twice the overstimulation, twice the meltdown, full steam ahead. It is a state of complete suffering. I’m not saying that for your sympathy, I’m being honest about my experience of it. It’s the worst. I sob and hate myself for how hard things are and often think I am ruining things for others with my inability to make it in the neurotypical world. Dark thoughts occur in this place. This is the dark place.
Typically, when I’m overstimulated and just need some time alone to do the things to reset, I have a safe phrase, “the bell jar” (Sylvia Plath anyone?). Many times, when I’m overstimulated forming sentences to capture my experience and sharing them in a coherent way is impossible, so we have a safe phrase to signal this to everyone, “can’t talk, be back soon!” But the dark place is on another level from the bell jar. I would describe it as being in a bell jar buried in the Earth. So far away from anyone and everyone, in the void, connected to nothing but sorrow. I know we all have different experiences, many people can relate through their version of this place, and if you are neurospicy, I know you know!
The last time I was in this place, I was in the middle of a full transformation where EVERYTHING in my life was changing. Changes and transitions can be challenging for me. I find comfort in knowing what to expect, having routines, and embracing familiarity. It was 2016, I had just graduated, moved to a different city out of state, and began a post-doctorate position. I was no longer a student and was now playing roller derby with a different league. I was super struggling on the daily. Recently, I have been going through another sort of transition. I have become one in a family of 5. For most of my life, all but about 5 non-sequential years, I have been in familial units of 1, 2, or 3 be it with my family, partners, or roommates. This coupled with now working from home has presented some challenges that have required navigation, but the work is worth it. However, while still learning how to balance all these changes, with my drive to always give to and help others, I went through my first holiday season after grieving a pregnancy loss. The holidays are always hard for me. My mom, dad, and stepdad are all passed, and I don’t have siblings or my own children. Holidays have a way of really reminding you of all your losses, against your will. Despite my trying to steamroll my way through the season, all of these pressures combined eventually did me in. And I had to relearn how to get myself out of the dark place.
The first step for me in getting out of my dark place was to accept that I was there. I don’t know that anyone struggles with recognizing that they are in that place but accepting that we are there can be difficult. It is about letting go of control, succumbing to the reality that you are there, and accepting that you cannot think your way out of it. I have a bad habit of trying to intellectualize solutions for everything, but I cannot escape feeling my feelings forever.
I feel the feelings that come with being there. I cried for days and used boxes of tissues. This past weekend I started crying on a Friday, I attended an amazing party on Saturday and spent all but maybe 20 minutes crying in the car. I cried all the way there and all the way home. I cried a lot the next day too. I cancelled plans. I allowed myself to emote and process for as long as it took until I could breathe again. It took about 72 hours.
I focus on the things I CAN control. I spend time doing the things that I know help me reset I look at my upcoming schedule and rearrange to suite what is most important and spend my energy as wisely as possible. I look back to see if there are boundaries I could enact or schedule adjustments I could have made to give myself more time and space for processing and decompressing. Where was my cup empty? How could I have recognized those moments and asked for help?
I communicate what I have learned about my experience and my needs to those that need to be aware, mainly my partner. It has taken me years to first recognize when I need help and more years to practice asking for help. I still struggle with this, but every time I ask for help and receive it, it gets easier. Once I communicate my experience and areas in which I may need help moving forward, I begin feeling life coming back to me.
I look for anything in which to be grateful, the ability to run an errand, hitting green lights, having a supportive and understanding partner, my dogs, food I’m about to eat, clean water to drink, EVERYTHING! It comes easily because everything is better than being where I was. Everything is a miracle, worth gratitude, and full of magic. And slowly but surely, my joy of life returns restored.
This process takes as long as it takes, and this is only what works for me. We are each unique individuals with different habits, needs, and preferences. The process of developing effective habits and finding what works best for each individual can be time-consuming, it was and is for me, but it is time well spent! It’s crucial to recognize that the timeline for this journey varies for each person, and it's important to allow ourselves the necessary time and space for this process to unfold. If you could use some help finding your way, book a coaching session with me and let’s get you going!
